There's more to the truth than just the facts.  ~Author Unknown

Void

I dreamed of you the other day

it was the worst

for you were dead inside

you could walk, talk, breathe 

but it was your eyes

there was no light inside of them 

and now that I think of it your walk wasn't really a walk 

it was more of a shuffle 

and suddenly I felt as if one of my worst fears had come true

my fear that you would give up 

and become a ghost

and I knew you could no longer see me

and that hurt in so many different ways

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have any feeling. None at all. 

They mess me up. I will be happy in the morning, sad at lunch, and angry in the evening.

And they are all about the same event. 

Drives me crazy. So then it gets to the point that I am mad that I am angry. I mean what is that? 

I wish I could tear them out and bury them far away from me. But then what does that make me?

Someone who wishes they didn’t have a basic human right. Someone who wishes they didn’t have to feel. 

Feel anything at all. 

Someone who only wishes for a logic thought process and no feelings to add twists and turns. 

Who wishes something like that? Anyone besides me? 

Or am I the only one?

Does that make me a robot want-to-be? 

Survey

A fitness survey that a former  teammate  of mine had on her blog that she got from Carrots N Cake and Peanut Butter Fingers. 

1. What did you eat for breakfast?

Well today was my brother’s birthday so my family and I want to the Pop Shop where I have coffee, water, and an egg and cheese quesidila (that was delicious). But on a normal day I have a granola bar and water. It’s not the best thing in the world but I have a hard time eating in the morning. Often I am just not hungry. 

2. How much water do you drink a day?

Lots and lots. Not only do I drink loads of water, I drink lots of drinks since I work in a coffee shop. Although I do try and avoid the expresso since it hurts my stomach.

3. What is your current favorite workout?

Running in forty- five degree weather. That is perfection. Actually running is my only workout. Ideally I would throw a little yoga in but time will tell.

4. How many calories do you eat a day?

I just eat food. I try and avoid sweets and eating too much of the same food group which can be hard since I am a vegetarian but I do my best. 

5. What are your favorite healthy snacks?

I love carrots and applesauce. 

6. What do you usually eat for lunch?

Normally I have a big lunch since I had a small breakfast. It will end up being a grill cheese with a salad. 

7. What is your favorite body part to strength train?

Legs

8. What is your least favorite body part to strength train?

The admoinals. It takes forever to see results.

9. What are your “bad” food cravings?

Chocolate. I don’t want to talk about it.

10. Do you take vitamins or supplements?

None. I should but I don’t. I have a hard enough time keeping a routine of exercising everyday. Remembering to take pills too much. 

11. How often do you eat out?

A lot. I work nights and it never occurs to me to bring din din.

12. Do you eat fast food?

Just veggie wraps at Chick-A-Fil. And that’s just quick service. 

13. Who is your biggest supporter?

My Mommy. She loves me.

14. Do you have a gym membership?

Yes because it’s a family thing. I never go because I rather be outside.

15. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?

I always try for eight. But often I end up getting seven like last night and tonight. But hey two nights ago, I got twelve. 

16. Do you have a “cheat” day?

On vacation. I mean come on, it’s VACATION.

17. Do you drink alcohol?

Your not gonna believe me but no. 

18. Do you have a workout buddy?

No. I like my time to think. Plus I love to listen to music and sometimes if I am with someone else I feel rude doing so. Also I like doing what I want.

19. What is the best thing that has changed about your life since committing to a healthy lifestyle?

I wouldn’t say that I have really committed. I just happen to feel really restless when I don’t run and I enjoy eating healthy. 

20. What was the last healthy thing you did?

Reading a good book. Always makes me happy. And happy is part of healthy. 

I so desperately want to talk to you but I don't know what to say.

I don't know how to put my feelings, concerns, fears, and worries into words.

So I sit here silently shaking, ready to cry, trying not to let anyone see because I don't want anyone to ask why.

To ask me why I am acting this way. Because I don't know what to say. Because I don't know what is wrong.

All I know is that I just want to feel better then I do now.