So we walked

As we walked neither of us looked at each other. Me , because of my shame. Him, to give me some privacy. After a while of silence I finally found my courage and my voice. 

"I'm so sorry."

"I know," he replied not unkindly.

And that was my breaking point. All the sudden all the guilt and despair just had to come out.

"I knew better," I started. "I knew better then to have even had done it once but I did. And then I did it over and over again even though I knew that I shouldn't have. Even though I knew I would despise myself later, even though I knew that you would be ashamed of me of doing so.

At this point there are tears running down my face. Out of the corner of my eye I can see that his eyes are wet as well and well that made me feel even worse but I went on because I had to. I just had to.

"I don't know why I did it."

He just looked at me. His eyes told me that he knew that I knew that I just didn't what to say it aloud. But also that the conscious me didn't quite know yet. I shook my head

"You're right I do. I did it because I was hurt and frustrated. I did it to be spiteful. I did it because I knew it would hurt me. Because it was better then what I was feeling on the inside. But I also did it because it felt good in it's own strange way."

I looked at him and he just nodded. We walked in silence once again. And then one of those deeper reasons came to me.  Shamefully I whispered,

"I did it because I knew it would hurt you and I wanted to hurt you."

At this confession we both stopped. He put his hand gently on my shoulder and looked at me while I sobbed and he quietly wept.   

"I know but it's ok," he told me.

And as I looked at him and  I knew it to be true and I was beyond grateful.

"Thank you," I said.

And that was that. I had apologized and he had accepted my apology therefore extending his forgiveness which I accepted. It was over and done. 

We continued walk for a third time but for the first time in a long time it was a comfortable silence. 

I am sooo not a morning person

I am not a morning person.  Getting up every morning is a major struggle.

1. My bed is comfy -I LIKE IT
2. My mouth feels weird

3. I don't like breakfast foods

4. The shower is not always the perfect temperature

5. My hair dryer is too loud

6. People are too laud
7. I can't see because my contacts aren't in yet

During the winter…

• I don't like getting out of my bed because it's cold out there

• I don't like getting undressed to get a shower - then I'm cold
• Once I get out of the shower I'm cold
• I know the weather will be dreary and I hate it

During the summer..

• I feel as if I should be able to sleep in because it's summer

Excuse me but...

I can't help it

but like you

I try not to

I try so hard

I make lists

Look at others

But then you make me smile

Or even better you smile at me

And I can't help it

I like you once again

But even though you like me

You don’t seem to care enough

To ask me to be yours

My new favorite quote

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” 
― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones

Words I use

Sometimes I can't even look in the mirror

Sometimes I despise myself so much that I don't want to get out of bed, that I don't want to talk to anyone, that I can't even look in the mirror.

I hate the fact that I keep repeating the same stupid mistakes again, and again even though I know that it's will hurt.  I hate that I put everything off until the last minute so then I am running around stressed trying to get everything done. I hate that little thrill I get from getting the better of someone else.  I hate that I know exactly what to say so that I get my way-even though it will hurt those that I love. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I simply despise how I look. I could go on and on but I can't because you know what that will make me hate myself even more. I will hate myself for hating myself and I can't let that happen. I think that would be my breaking point.

So I put on a smile and think of something funny. I get dressed and go downstairs. I read, write, run, dance, work, play with my puppy, watch movies, and talk with my family and friends. I look around and count my blessings.   I put guards in place so that I won't hate myself. I don't compete with others, I try and look for the good in everyone so that I won't find myself tearing them down. I do my best to put myself on a schedule so I won't be doing things so last minute (this one is waaaaaay easier said then done). Some days are easier  then others but I tell myself that tomorrow is a new day and I just got to make it through today. And you know what? It happens. 

A little bit of me

I'm not somebody who tries to be someone I'm not. And I don't do that on principle.  I am not capable. (I don't know how else to describe it to you.)

But sometimes I do try to be a little less of me. If I'm scared, nervous, shy, or unsure or myself I just become very quiet (which is not always easy) and do my best to make sure no one pays attention to me.

Then once I feel safe I can be more of me and that's always fun. (I only save the all of me for my favorite people.) The hard part is deciding when it's safe.  And sometimes I'm wrong and that's also kinda of scary so then I just become a little less of me.

My internal debate is whether or not that is a bad thing to keep a part of me to myself and I can never decide. Every once in a while I let my guard and it ends up being ok. But other times  it's not.

The thing about quotes is...

For awhile now I have been trying to put my finger on why I love quotes so much. After all they are only words that others have said.

But I think I finally figured it out.

It's that when I read a quote (although never the long ones, I never take the time to read those. I couldn't tell you why I just don't) it's like a wow you felt that too moment. Or even I know exactly what you mean I just  never knew how to say it before, and sometimes it's just a hey, I never thought of it that way.

Quotes seem to have a way of summing up my deepest feelings and I appreciate them for it. 

Myself

Somewhere along the way It seems as if I have lost myself but Idon't  know if that is as horrible as I first thought. Maybe it's time for a new self. That could be kinda of cool. 

Looking in the mirror

Sometimes the person that can hurt you the most is yourself.