Ummmm

5:30 PM

Sometimes I wonder what people see when they look at me.

 

I wonder

...what they think my flaws are

...what they think my worth is

...if they think I am intelligent

...if they think I am cute

...if they think I'm kind

...if they find me funny

...if they hate me

… if they like me

...if they respect me

...if they even noticed me

 

And then I wonder why?

Why don't they like me? Is it me? Is it them? Is it both of us?

Why they like me?

Why they don't even noticed me?

 

And then I have to wonder how other people see themselves verses who they are verses what I see.

 

And I wonder if they would like what I see in them

...if they would agree or disagree with me? And why?

...if I can see them better then they can.

...or if I just see the parts of them they miss.

...or the parts of themselves if they try and hide it?

...and what I miss about them and why?

 

And it intrigues me.

little moments

The other day I stopped by a Mexican place for dinner. As I waited in line to order I noticed an elderly lady speaking with one of the employees there. He was around my age and decent looking but not anymore then  anyone else there. The next time I looked at them I saw him smile and my heart skipped a beat. It wasn't that his smile made him that much more attractive per say it was more of the fact that he was paying attention to the person he was talking to. Reacting to what she said. And it was beautiful. And that made him gorgeous to me. 

The consequence of power

There is this belief that too much power can corrupt the soul and I believe this to be true.

 

But my question is if you were to take away that power could the soul be repaired.

Maybe I don't want to put up a fight. Maybe I am content to slip away quietly without a single glance.

What so I like you? Let me tell you the truth though. I really wish I didn't. It would make my life a whole lot easier. Besides let's be real, you really don't care anything for me. 

I'm just average....looking

I'm not someone that could easily be picked out of a crowd.

I'm just average

 

I have no physical features that are distinct

I'm just average

 

I'm often mistaken for someone else

I'm just average

 

But that's just how I look

I'm not average on the mentally

 

I know I can tell

 

I can tell by how people react to me when I speak

I can tell by whatever one else says

 

So it doesn't really bother me that I'm average looking

You see if I don't want to feel average...I just start talking

I love you so much and I just want you to be happy. Why can't you just believe that? I know what your doing right now doesn't make you happy, I can see it in your eyes.

Can't you see your refection in my eyes? Can't you see how unhappy you look? I want you to do more then just survive. I want you to thrive.

If you listen closely, you might just hear what is almost being said. 

It's hard to hide who you truely are.

“This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this.” 
― Charles M. Schulz

Random thoughts

You ever wanna say something but don't know how? Like express sympathy for a lost love one, or reconnect with and old friend or even jump in on a stranger's conversation because they have a funny topic. 

Man, do I know how you feel. ( Or maybe it is just me. I don't know.)  All the time I get these urges to talk to someone that I haven't talk to in ages but I don’t know what to say. Or try and reach out to someone that has suffered a loss but I feel as it comes across as too much. And people get thrown off if you join in their conversations. (Such a let down.)

I don't know I guess that is all I have to day on that one. 

Being Lost

Cold and shivering I wrap my arms around myself.

I know that if I were to get up and walk around I would be able to get warm but I can't because I am too scared. Too scared that the wrong person will find me here. Besides I can barely move. My body has suffered to much pain in recent days.

After a while I realize that I hear someone calling my name. The voice sounds safe and good but is the owner? I listen and then I  recognize the voice. It is the voice of an old friend.

I try and call out.

"I'm here, I'm here," I try to cry out but my voice is barely audible to my own ears. So I clear my throat and try again.

"I'm here, I'm here."

Moments later I feel a blanket being wrapped around me and my friend's voice saying over and over again, "Thank God I found you."

As I lifted up my head I found her eyes looking into mine.

"How did you know that I was lost?" I asked her.

"Because He told me, just like He told me where to find you," she replied with tears in her eyes.

"I'm so glad He did."

"Me too. Me too."

You leaving

I don't want to go to sleep.

Here's why once I do it's another day over. Another day closer to you leaving and I don't want you to go. Even though we are not together right now. The knowledge that you a couple minutes drive away is enough to comfort me.

Soon it will be more then a couple of hours and I don't want that. Which is selfish of me I know. I know that you need to go and that you want so badly to learn but I almost wish you didn't.

But I can't do that. I can't wish those characteristics away from you because then you wouldn't be you. And I know that if you didn't act like the person you are I wouldn't respect you so much. That then we wouldn't be such great friends.  That if it was me holding you back I would feel guilt and you would grow to despise we.

So I let you go and do my best to encourage you. Because as of right now you are meant to go and I am meant to stay.

To be honest I don't know why and I wonder if I did would it make the watching you leave over and over again hurt a little less?  Would it change that I feel as if  you move on and see new things and make new friends while I don't?  That I just sit here and wait for you to come home. 

Don't hate me.

I am begging you not to hate me. As in actually down on my knees begging by some miracle that you won't. Because I know you have every right to but I don't want you to. I want you to continue to love me.

If you were to ask me why. I wouldn't be able to answer you. I can't tell you. All I know is that I know is that I don't want you to hate me. Leave me, don't talk to me if you must but please don't hate me. And let me know that. I can handle anything but the knowledge that you hate me.

Please don't hate me. Please forgive me. 

Valid Feelings

I believe that a person's feeling are always valid.

Why you ask? What if….?

Yes I would reply to whatever crazy situation you could throw at me. Yes. I still believe that a person's feelings are always valid. Because it is your first response to a situation. You have no control over you feeling until you have a conscience effort to redirect them. And that can be an uphill battle. 

But once you have a feeling what you do with that feeling shows your character. And that is what makes you-you. Not the feeling. The actions that follow that those feelings make you-you.

Maybe the feeling is anger. Letting that anger hurt others, not good character. Finding healthy outlets for that anger, good character. Liking someone you shouldn't. Happens. (stupid chemistry and hormones) But what you do with those feeling, character.

Make sense. Maybe. Maybe not. But just try and take sometime to think about it at least.

Blog Post Challenge #3

Who was it this summer that taught you the most?

When one of my fellow bloggers suggested this topic for a blog post I loved it instantly. So I thought and thought and thought and you know what? I couldn't come up with an answer. I could come up with sorta of answers but none that I really felt rang true. To be honest I still can’t. There is not a single person from this summer that sticks out as someone who taught me 'the most'.

I guess you could say God but is God really 'a who'? I really don't know. I personally don't think He is. Besides God is always showing and teaching me. Either way the answer doesn't feel right.

Part me wants to say myself. But that feels like cheating and egoistic. Even though it is kinda of true. Once again I feel as if summer has taught me a lot about myself, how I react in situations, what I deem as important, and so on. Still using myself to answer this question feels as a tap out and I do not wish to tap out.

I guess as I think back over the summer I would say that I have learned a thousand different lessons from different people in my life. Some of the lessons were intentional others just happen.

From a pastor I was reminded to remember to let God do the judging and all I need to do is the loving.

From a leader I learned that hugs are great gifts.

From a coworker I was reminded to laugh at the silly things.

From a friend I was showed me how much words or lack there of can hurt.

From a customer I learned how much a simple act can make someone's day.

There are those examples and so much more.

As I wrap up this post I remind myself that I have yet to truly answer the question but it's the best I got so… but I am glad that I spent sometime in refection of what I have learned in these past couple of months. 

Leaving

I always seem to have trouble leaving

Crazy

In that moment of crazy I was more then right.

Blog Post Challenge #2

Who should read this blog? 

Honestly I started this blog for me. I find it therapeutic to write and then post. Why not just write in a journal you ask?  Because I would never write something that I didn't want anyone to see. I rather keep the thoughts that belong in my head unseen. 

That being said I like the fact that possible there is someone out there that could read my posts and agree with me or find it a little bit funny or absolutely insane  or think I'm wrong or hey maybe there is an english teacher that prints out my post and has there students edit them. That's all acceptable. 

So who should read my blog -anyone that wants to. Free to read. 

Blog Post Challenge #1

One of my favorite things about blogging is that I get to blog with my friends. My friends and I read each other's blogs, leave comments, and then be inspired to write. It's a fun cycle and a good time. Blogging is another way for us to remain connected even when we can near each other physically.  But I was one of the first of my friends to start blogging.

I started blogging because blogging helps me think clearly. I'll get an idea or concept in my head and I have to get it out. Blogging does that for me. The writing helps me gather a train of though and the publishing gives me satisfaction that maybe someone out there gets me. That someone out there is like this chick is speaking the truth or I see you.

So I blog. I blog about whatever the heck I want to. I write responses, poems, critics, share what other people have to say or have already said, put up papers that I had to write for school (I wrote them didn't I? I think that they should have the chance for people other then my teachers to read), I just go. And it's fun and entertaining. I don’t have to post, I don't have any deadlines. It's great.  I can do what I want because this blog is something all my own.

If the occasion arsis I will tell others about my blog. There is nothing on here that I don't want anyone to know (If I didn't want anyone to know I wouldn't say or write anything). As a matter of fact I want people I know to read my blog. Because this blog is a place where I have a chance to finish my train of thoughts without being interrupted by others, events or even myself.

After awhile some of my friends also found that they enjoyed blogging.  (This is the fun cycle part) So we decide to start a 30 post challenge. The goal - write responses to 30 predefine topics. The rules are to share our posts with each other and to leave comments and be open minded.  Who knows what we will learn about ourselves and each other.

Friendship

My two best friends and I have known each other since third grade. Notice I didn't say that we have been best friends since third grade but just that we knew each other.

 You see the thing is we didn't always use to be so close and there was never a moment where we were like  "Hey we should be best friends!" It just happen. One day I was just kinda of like "Yay! I have two besties. This is great"

And life went on. It got to the point that if someone went on vacation I couldn't wait for them to get home so I could see them again. Up till last August we had not been separated for more then three weeks time, ever.

Then came the moment that our friendship was dreading - college. Two of my closest friends would be six hours away in opposite directions and I was staying home. I was bummed but I tried not to show it. They were both so excited. They had a chance to make new friends, memories, etc. And I didn't want to complain about being left behind. After all I had made the decision that was best for me, not for them. But none of that changed the fact that I was going to miss them both desperately.

I was right I did. I remember the first youth group meeting that I went to without them. Here I was actually suppose to be a leader ( but I didn't feel like one) and the two people that I always sat with were not sitting next to me. I walk around the church feeling lost without them. I cried that night. I tried not to but I did. I couldn't help myself.

You see the besties and I had reached a level of friendship were we talked about almost everything. From God, to boys, to our grades, feelings, shoes, embarrassing moments, memories. It was all allowed. We could go from dead serious to laughing to serious again in a matter of moments. We knew each other so well that we could skip words, even have a whole conversation by just saying yep.  I was very blessed.

I knew that I could write, call, text, facetime and I did do all of that but I was greedy and I wanted them right next to be. 

But I believe that for us to do what we wanted, become the people that we are meant to be we had to go our separate paths. Our dreams and goals demanded it and we knew that. So there was nothing left to do but say our see you laters and go. So we did. And since we reunited this summer we haven't been able to stop talking. 

I hope that this is what the rest of our friendship will be like that we can be separated for months but see each other again and us to be able to pick up where we left off. 

Fun Facts from other blogs

fun facts from - http://365lettersblog.blogspot.com/2013/07/happy-birthday-to-zip-code.html

MONDAY, JULY 1, 2013

Happy Birthday to the Zip Code!

According to the "CBS Sunday Morning Show," today is the 50th birthday of the U.S. National ZIP Code. Although they had been used in big cities, ZIP codes were launched nationwide in 1963.

The word ZIP is an acronym for Zone Improvement Plan.

An official USPS report, "The Untold Story of the ZIP Code," says that "The code was originally intended to allow mail sorting methods to be automated but ended up creating unimagined socio-economic benefits as an organizing and enabling device."

To help citizens adapt to using ZIP codes, the cartoon character Mr. ZIP was introduced, along with the new system. Happy birthday, Mr. ZIP and your codes!

Reflections

I think the story of the robbed, naked jewish man shows just how wise Jesus is. 

God knows that if we didnt love anyone at all we would hurt ourselves. But if we only loved ourselves we would constantly be hurting the other ppl around us. 

If our love was conditionally we would only be disappoint in those around us because we would always feel as if they were not showing us the love we deserved.

But with  unconditional love we dont expect anything for others  and we are giving others the love they need.  its a win win (i bet it also makes God happy) 

So we walked

As we walked neither of us looked at each other. Me , because of my shame. Him, to give me some privacy. After a while of silence I finally found my courage and my voice. 

"I'm so sorry."

"I know," he replied not unkindly.

And that was my breaking point. All the sudden all the guilt and despair just had to come out.

"I knew better," I started. "I knew better then to have even had done it once but I did. And then I did it over and over again even though I knew that I shouldn't have. Even though I knew I would despise myself later, even though I knew that you would be ashamed of me of doing so.

At this point there are tears running down my face. Out of the corner of my eye I can see that his eyes are wet as well and well that made me feel even worse but I went on because I had to. I just had to.

"I don't know why I did it."

He just looked at me. His eyes told me that he knew that I knew that I just didn't what to say it aloud. But also that the conscious me didn't quite know yet. I shook my head

"You're right I do. I did it because I was hurt and frustrated. I did it to be spiteful. I did it because I knew it would hurt me. Because it was better then what I was feeling on the inside. But I also did it because it felt good in it's own strange way."

I looked at him and he just nodded. We walked in silence once again. And then one of those deeper reasons came to me.  Shamefully I whispered,

"I did it because I knew it would hurt you and I wanted to hurt you."

At this confession we both stopped. He put his hand gently on my shoulder and looked at me while I sobbed and he quietly wept.   

"I know but it's ok," he told me.

And as I looked at him and  I knew it to be true and I was beyond grateful.

"Thank you," I said.

And that was that. I had apologized and he had accepted my apology therefore extending his forgiveness which I accepted. It was over and done. 

We continued walk for a third time but for the first time in a long time it was a comfortable silence. 

I am sooo not a morning person

I am not a morning person.  Getting up every morning is a major struggle.

1. My bed is comfy -I LIKE IT
2. My mouth feels weird

3. I don't like breakfast foods

4. The shower is not always the perfect temperature

5. My hair dryer is too loud

6. People are too laud
7. I can't see because my contacts aren't in yet

During the winter…

• I don't like getting out of my bed because it's cold out there

• I don't like getting undressed to get a shower - then I'm cold
• Once I get out of the shower I'm cold
• I know the weather will be dreary and I hate it

During the summer..

• I feel as if I should be able to sleep in because it's summer

Excuse me but...

I can't help it

but like you

I try not to

I try so hard

I make lists

Look at others

But then you make me smile

Or even better you smile at me

And I can't help it

I like you once again

But even though you like me

You don’t seem to care enough

To ask me to be yours

My new favorite quote

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” 
― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones

Words I use

Sometimes I can't even look in the mirror

Sometimes I despise myself so much that I don't want to get out of bed, that I don't want to talk to anyone, that I can't even look in the mirror.

I hate the fact that I keep repeating the same stupid mistakes again, and again even though I know that it's will hurt.  I hate that I put everything off until the last minute so then I am running around stressed trying to get everything done. I hate that little thrill I get from getting the better of someone else.  I hate that I know exactly what to say so that I get my way-even though it will hurt those that I love. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I simply despise how I look. I could go on and on but I can't because you know what that will make me hate myself even more. I will hate myself for hating myself and I can't let that happen. I think that would be my breaking point.

So I put on a smile and think of something funny. I get dressed and go downstairs. I read, write, run, dance, work, play with my puppy, watch movies, and talk with my family and friends. I look around and count my blessings.   I put guards in place so that I won't hate myself. I don't compete with others, I try and look for the good in everyone so that I won't find myself tearing them down. I do my best to put myself on a schedule so I won't be doing things so last minute (this one is waaaaaay easier said then done). Some days are easier  then others but I tell myself that tomorrow is a new day and I just got to make it through today. And you know what? It happens. 

A little bit of me

I'm not somebody who tries to be someone I'm not. And I don't do that on principle.  I am not capable. (I don't know how else to describe it to you.)

But sometimes I do try to be a little less of me. If I'm scared, nervous, shy, or unsure or myself I just become very quiet (which is not always easy) and do my best to make sure no one pays attention to me.

Then once I feel safe I can be more of me and that's always fun. (I only save the all of me for my favorite people.) The hard part is deciding when it's safe.  And sometimes I'm wrong and that's also kinda of scary so then I just become a little less of me.

My internal debate is whether or not that is a bad thing to keep a part of me to myself and I can never decide. Every once in a while I let my guard and it ends up being ok. But other times  it's not.

The thing about quotes is...

For awhile now I have been trying to put my finger on why I love quotes so much. After all they are only words that others have said.

But I think I finally figured it out.

It's that when I read a quote (although never the long ones, I never take the time to read those. I couldn't tell you why I just don't) it's like a wow you felt that too moment. Or even I know exactly what you mean I just  never knew how to say it before, and sometimes it's just a hey, I never thought of it that way.

Quotes seem to have a way of summing up my deepest feelings and I appreciate them for it. 

Myself

Somewhere along the way It seems as if I have lost myself but Idon't  know if that is as horrible as I first thought. Maybe it's time for a new self. That could be kinda of cool. 

Looking in the mirror

Sometimes the person that can hurt you the most is yourself.

Tomorrow vs. Today

Tomorrow is a interesting promise.

 In a way it provides hope for the future but in the same breathe the idea of tomorrow robs you.

When I am unable to get everything I need/want to done I tell my self tomorrow. I didn't clean out by car that's alright I can do it tomorrow. I didn't call my best friend...I'll just call her tomorrow. I'll do or go something/someplace  grand .I forgot to read my devos...I'll just do double tomorrow. Tomorrow reassures me that I still have time to get achieve my accomplishments. That tomorrow can be brighter then today. Reminds me of Annie -

The sun'll come out

Tomorrow

So ya gotta hang on

'Til tomorrow

Come what may

Tomorrow!

Tomorrow!

I love ya

Tomorrow!

You're always

A day

A way!

But sometimes I believe that I jip myself with focusing  on the promise of tomorrow. I don't get done today what I should, what I need to. I do what isn't as important or nothing of importance today, trusting in my tomorrow. That's not the right attitude. By putting so much off for another day I'm missing memories,  and chances of learning wisdom and knowledge. As well as missing opportunities to show my love to others and even the chance of having a clean car.

The idea of tomorrow is not a bad thing. It gives us hope but today's not that bad either. I it's time for me to Seize the Day. 

Facing my Fears

You see sometimes I'm afraid to write. I am afraid that once I started writing I wouldn't be able to stop. And that every feeling, ever secret that I ever had would be reveled to the world. And that scares me. It scares me so much that I use make sure I never wrote anything too long, unless it was something absolutely boring, like my senior research paper.

Although I was quite enamored writing the paper I got to do it on education reform and it was a grand old time. But anyway I digress.

But I have decide that it is time for me to be brave. That it doesn't really matter if others get to know too much of me. They can deal. Although if I'm really honest with my self, I think the real question is - Can I deal?

You have the Power to Break my Heart

I wish you could understand this power you have be given over me. I know you know but I don't think you have realized how much that I have entrusted in you. For I have given you the power to break my heart.

Sometimes I'm tempted to snatch that power. The words I've said, gestures I've made, the feelings, all of it. But I can't. Truth is I want you to have that power. If not you, I would make sure it was someone else because if not I know that my heart would turn to ice. Then I wouldn't be able to feel anything at all and honestly that's even scarier.

So I have chosen to trust you and I beg you not to break me but I know that is asking to much. Although if you could stay around after you break my heart and help me piece it pack together then I would beyond a doubt that I choose the right person but until then I just have to trust you. 

He Brought Me My Baby Doll

My brother and I are sixteen months apart. When we were younger it had seemed as if we had live in the middle of nowhere, so we were more then siblings we were playmates, best friends. My brother, with the exception of my mother, was the person who knew me best and that is why whenever I was upset he would go get my baby doll.

I can not remember why my brother decided that tears meant that I needed my doll. I don’t remember if one time my mother suggested it to him so then he always did it or if I asked him or if it was his own idea. (Maybe I should ask…) But I do know that as children whenever I was upset my brother would bring me my baby doll.

That action, conforted me more then hugs, kisses,  words, or even a cookie ever did. 

Innermost Thoughts

Today I recieved an email from one of my dearest friends whom is away at college at this time. The first bit was the normal Hey I miss you. and Wanna talk later?At the end she had included an an a descriptive writing. As I read it I had to marvel about how much depth people have to them. 

Her writing included topics and feeling that we have discussed many times over the years but never so much at once and not always so well put. While reading I was able to side of my friend that I do not always get a chance to see and I was thankful that she was willing to share some of her quiet thoughts from her.

It reminds me of how sometimes the thoughts that we put to paper (or nowadays screen) somehow seem to be deeper then what we ever say. Why that is? I ponder. I have a few theories. I know for myself sometimes when I try to describe something that takes some thought - I'll give up because I feel as if no one understands what I am trying to say aloud, or I have a hard time saying it all in the proper order where in print I can go back and reread and edit. Also when we converse with others we interrupted each other (I am ashamed to say that I do this often) so there is not a chance to finish our thoughts. Plus sometimes a conversation is more intimidating then  an email or letter. (Hummm is that very point not often pointed out when there is an occurrence of cyber bullying?) It reminds me of people who often post deeper Facebook status, blogs or tweets then you ever seem to hear coming form their lips.

It seems as if pen and paper or screen and keys almost can provide courage or weapons to our inmost thoughts. 

Moving

As long as I keep moving I can't feel the hurt you caused me