So we walked

As we walked neither of us looked at each other. Me , because of my shame. Him, to give me some privacy. After a while of silence I finally found my courage and my voice. 

"I'm so sorry."

"I know," he replied not unkindly.

And that was my breaking point. All the sudden all the guilt and despair just had to come out.

"I knew better," I started. "I knew better then to have even had done it once but I did. And then I did it over and over again even though I knew that I shouldn't have. Even though I knew I would despise myself later, even though I knew that you would be ashamed of me of doing so.

At this point there are tears running down my face. Out of the corner of my eye I can see that his eyes are wet as well and well that made me feel even worse but I went on because I had to. I just had to.

"I don't know why I did it."

He just looked at me. His eyes told me that he knew that I knew that I just didn't what to say it aloud. But also that the conscious me didn't quite know yet. I shook my head

"You're right I do. I did it because I was hurt and frustrated. I did it to be spiteful. I did it because I knew it would hurt me. Because it was better then what I was feeling on the inside. But I also did it because it felt good in it's own strange way."

I looked at him and he just nodded. We walked in silence once again. And then one of those deeper reasons came to me.  Shamefully I whispered,

"I did it because I knew it would hurt you and I wanted to hurt you."

At this confession we both stopped. He put his hand gently on my shoulder and looked at me while I sobbed and he quietly wept.   

"I know but it's ok," he told me.

And as I looked at him and  I knew it to be true and I was beyond grateful.

"Thank you," I said.

And that was that. I had apologized and he had accepted my apology therefore extending his forgiveness which I accepted. It was over and done. 

We continued walk for a third time but for the first time in a long time it was a comfortable silence.